My Madness

I was asked why I write several times a week in my Random Thoughts blog but only write infrequently here. This is where I get serious. This is where I overtly share my thoughts and beliefs, anger and pain, joy and love. Here is where you see me metaphorically naked – none of the obfuscation of my thoughts under a veil of humor. It is here that I write when I have something worthwhile to say. Guess what? I found something that moved me.

 While preparing to write, I will listen to music, watch the news, read a blog, enjoy a podcast, or scan YouTube for inspiration. Last week, my oldest son shared with me something on YouTube that has had me transfixed all week. Jason Silva has a channel called Shots of Awe. (Click the name to check out the whole channel.) He has a passion and enthusiasm that is truly contagious. After watching several of these micro-movies, I came upon one that didn’t just speak to me; it screamed a rock opera that echoed through my mind. It was called “Creativity is Madness”. In this short, Jason compares the mystic and the madman who swim in the same waters. It is the mystic brings back something to share with others.

While sitting in my favorite coffee shop a couple weeks ago, I must admit to looking like the mystical madman. It is really hard to decipher which is which when you are in the moment. There is something that I do that keeps the myriad of story ideas that are constantly assaulting my mind from becoming merged and melded into a misanthropic mess. If you have seen Iron Man 2 or 3, you have seen Tony Stark’s holographic workspace. He can move things around and see how they fit together. I do the same thing with my virtual storyboards – but mine are all in my imagination. No one else can see them. I forget that little details sometimes. The few of my friends who have watched me storyboarding say it is somewhere between “too cool for words” and “a commercial for someone who needs a straightjacket”. It must look more like the latter when you do it while forgetting you are in a coffee shop. One of my fellow patrons was courageous enough to approach and ask me if I was all right. What they really wanted to know is if the things I was seeing were telling me to do bad things and did I have my meds handy. Madman won that one.

I don’t know what to call my madness; insanity, creativity gone viral, a mind that sees the mundane as miraculous. For all I know it’s a tumor. All I can say is that I am seeing possibilities where there was nothing but pessimism four years ago. There is the problem of pain that C. S. Lewis so eloquently addresses in the book of the same name. Friedrich Nietzsche also addresses it quite well when he says: “Only great pain, the long, slow pain that takes its time... compels us to descend to our ultimate depths... I doubt that such pain makes us ‘better’; but I know it makes us more profound.” (Yes, I did reference Lewis and Nietzsche in the same paragraph. Both have important things to say.) That profound person that has that phoenix-like resurrection from the ashes of pain can see the world more clearly than the paper-man who has no depth and is burnt into ashes. My stories share that sense of rebirth whether it is a man who lacks power on earth only to be indispensable in a spiritual realm or a man and woman who are both terribly broken who find healing with one another. Each time I share some of my own pain through fiction, it bring healing and peace knowing that I have let go and let the phoenix fly higher.

You have to ask yourself the same questions I ask daily: Am I a madman? Am I a mystic? Or am I just me? I think the answers for all of us to those questions is a resounding yes. I am all of the above. The only question is: How mad are you?

Unsuspected Depth

There is a great classic movie with Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn called The Philadelphia Story. One of the scenes has a drunk Jimmy Stewart and sober Cary Grant. Something Jimmy says really stuck with me ever since I first saw it. "C.K.Dexter Haven you have unsuspected depth!" It is the perfect combination of insult and compliment. I like to be viewed like that.

So many of us have so many facets to our personalities. If someone reads my Random Thoughts blog and just looks at the clowning around then they miss the point. A few people who only know the joker have read a few of these blogs and had the unsuspected depth reaction.

However, if they see the serious side here and do not see the humor then the point is also lost. Every person that you take the time to get to know has that unsuspected depth. There are things that are pleasant surprises and other things that are not so pleasant revelations.

As I ponder how I love to surprise others with things they never suspected I discovered something about myself. That unsuspected depth reaction that I want people to have tells me that I like to have people like me for things that I keep hidden. It also tells me that I test people all the time to see if they will take the time to get to know me or just see the surface and think that's all there is. There have been many times when I have tried to distract people and test their sincerity in getting to know me by saying, "Flattery will get you everywhere. I'm shallow." Flattery means nothing to me to be honest. Words are easy. Show me your unsuspected depth then I will show you the depth that I hope is within me.

Color Blind

Years ago I read Daniel Defoe's The Life and Strange Surprising Adventures of Robinson Crusoe but I did not really appreciate it until today when I watched the movie staring Pierce Brosnan from 1993. The subtle themes in the book and movie were totally lost on me as a fourteen-year-old boy when I first read it. All I got out of the book was how cool it would be to live on an island and how much better it would be to not have a little brother around getting in the way. That being said I do not think I would have gotten a whole lot more out of it until very recently.

Through the years I experienced personal growth from a small town boy in west Texas where I was raised with a conflicting series of values to a man with my own set of priorities, values and vision for the future of my family. My dearly departed daddy was an enigma for me at times. He was extremely gifted in the areas of mechanics, electronics and the ability to see the world of roses among the dung heaps of the day. But in other areas he was obtuse to the point of blindness to the obvious. He had the worst taste in friends of anyone I have ever met. Even as a five-year-old I knew his "friend" Ed was less than savory to the point of savagery. Yet until his dying day he was convinced that he was a great judge of character. Perhaps he was a great judge of people who were characters but I do not believe that is what he meant. One of his greatest flaws was his eyesight. He made many decisions about people based on the color of their skin. Not being one to be publicly bigoted I did get to hear a lot about his views in private. Many times his rants were just to me while working out in the shop.

That is one area where I rebelled. Some of my friends in high school were Hispanic. I was not friends with the one black student in my school but that was because he didn't like me for some reason. Living in west Texas there were three black families in the whole town of 7,000 people. But now I have had the chance to get to know people of different races, ethnicity, religions and origins. Want to know what I have learned from Defoe and from my experiences? It is the color of the soul and not the skin that matters. 

Meeting so many different people with an open mind has taught me that people are just that: people. My friend, Francis has taught me about Kenya. I even learned how to say hello in Swahili. My friend Jamie taught me that Nigeria is not what you see on the news or read about in the papers and that not all Africans speak Swahili. Blond-haired, blue-eyed Roseane from Brazil helped me learn that just because you are from South America that does not mean you look like you are from Mexico.

Defoe's statement about the evils of slavery still ring true today. For me it was a slavery to my own stupidity. It really doesn't matter to me what you look like as much as what you act like. Some of the most closed-minded bigots I have ever met did not have my skin color. Yet some of the most loving, caring and accepting people also looked like some people that also hated me for being a white-boy. Funny thing is that not all white people who live in the south are prejudiced and not all minorities are not prejudiced. Defoe's statement about friendship that crosses boundaries of race, religion, culture and origin are something that we all need today.

The decision to like someone or not like them for me has nothing to do with skin tone and everything to do with who they are. But I will confess to one bigotry that I just cannot seem to shake. I am prejudiced against bigots. Does that make me a hypocrite?

The Run

Running through life not looking back
Never to know what may be lurking on track
Holding and closing my heart tight as a glove
Never giving or taking a hand out to love.

Looking back at my life now I finally can see
You were right there behind behind calling to me
To let go of my pride, to arrogantly cling
To my self, to trust me as the one only thing.

Now I can see that I was only a shell
Of a boy - not a man -running from hell
From the fear and anger, hate and decay
Of my soul and my mind where the devil did play.

My heart and my spirit, my body and being
Through my ears and my sense with eyes truly seeing
All that I have I now give back to you
Thanking you Lord for being so true.

Leaving Things Behind

There are certain things in life that are always amazing to me. Watching the first steps of a child is a sight to behold. Seeing someone with Down Syndrome show unconditional love is beautiful. The beauty of a piece of art that is being created right in front of your eyes is unforgettable. Someone proving that flatulence is truly made of flammable methane is truly astonishing. Then there are the things that astonish me that are not so pleasant. (Yes the flaming fart comment was supposed to be a bridge between the two. You know you want to see that and not see it at the same time!)

Recently I posted the following on Facebook: Faith is like a tapestry. It can be complex and intricate or perhaps simple yet elegant. However, like a tapestry, it can be damaged, ripped, shredded and left in tatters. How should we help one who's faith has been torn leaving only a hint of what once was with only a few fluttering remnants remaining? Any thoughts?

There were many thoughts. Who'd have thought? Of the many comments – most directed directly at me - some of them were quite insightful. Others were sympathetic to the situation and curious about the outcome. There were a couple that paraphrased the Bible and one that quoted. There was one that I chose to take offense at.

Now let me go on record saying that I do not believe anyone can offend another. Only you can allow yourself to be offended. Someone else can go out of their way to offend you and cause you all kinds of headache and heartache; however, you are the one that allows that to happen. That being said, I was offended!

I am a Christian. There was a time in my life when I would have boldly told you to which church body I subscribed and why it was more accurate than any other Christian group. I saw the world in a very narrow viewpoint and would not even consider the possibility that I might be (gasp) wrong. Dana Carvey was very insightful when he created the character of the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live. That is what offended me. Not the skits. Those were incredibly funny in their accuracy. Carvey said he based it on the women of his church growing up. In case you were wondering he and I are both Lutheran.

What offends me is people who who have a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude. One of the people who wrote accused me of leaving God. Now I will admit to being mad at him from time to time, questioning how he does things, and wondering why he lets bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. (I am in no way referring to anyone in particular no matter what my ex-wife may think.) But leaving God? I was angry that this person, who had been a member of a church I had served, would have the audacity to accuse me of that. She never really knew me when I was a pastor and certainly does not know anything about me now and never was smart enough to know she didn't know. I was offended.

But do you want to know something? Keep reading if you do or stop if you don't. I feel sorry for her. She will never know what it is like to look at the world outside of her tiny theological point of view. She will never see the beauty and the ugliness of the world because she will never open her eyes. She will always rationalize her beliefs and reject anything that may not fit into her narrow-minded mindset. In the time since I walked away from ministry I have grown more than the years I was a pastor. Seeing the world for what it is can be trying, scary and down right humbling. The twist for me is that leaving ministry is what I needed to do to become a minister. There is so much more good I can do outside the pulpit than I ever did when I was preaching. Caring for others in a way that I could never do as a pastor has been one of the ways my mind, heart and soul have been saved in the past three years.

I pray that all the church ladies and church men of this world who make Dana Carvey's character seem a documentary will come out from under the theological rocks and make themselves useful instead of judgmental. Look at the world and help someone who is in need instead of being like the priest and Levite from the Good Samaritan. Stop being so concerned with attendance and committees and attend something outside the church or get on a community committee. If you truly have that faith you claim then stop looking at all the specs in the eyes of those around you and look long and hard at the log in your own eye that has blinded you to seeing that your faith without any action behind it is dead.

Just my thoughts and now that I have exorcised this demon I'm not offended anymore. Perhaps you are now.

Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

I remember watching those commercials for Life Alert Emergency Response. There was a little old lady who had fallen. Yes, I am one of the millions of jerks who laughed and made jokes about it! Give me a break I was only 21 at the time and couldn't imagine not being able to get up from a simple little fall! Or could I?

There I was at the bottom of a long flight of stairs trying to get the ringing out of my ears. The details after all this time are still a little fuzzy but I do remember an accidental acrobatic action that left me in a crumpled heap with a broken a bruised body. You see I had fallen and I couldn't get up. Mine was not in the bathroom but in a very public place. My left ankle, which I have never trusted since that day, chose the second step from the top of the stairs to sprain thanks to a poorly placed pad. And then the somersault assaulted me!

There are times in life when we hear that subtle little voice telling us it is time to slow down and take a break. Then there are other times where life breaks you to make you slow down. This was one of the latter moments.

When you lose faith in someone else is it sad. When you lose your faith in God is it tragic. When you lose faith in yourself it is almost impossible to get back up again. That is the real cry of “Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!” That day would lead to me losing faith in myself but it also lead to a type of rebirth of faith in myself.

You see I tried to get back up and go back to work after taking a day off to recover. Hey! Remember I was 21 and still indestructible. And then hit hit me as I discovered a couple of things about myself. I have a rare side effect of codeine: mood alteration. Usually I am a pretty good guy. On codeine I am a sociopath. It is usually a good idea to keep it out of my system. The second thing I learned was that I have limitations and have a tendency to push myself beyond them and hurt myself.

There are times when you must take a break and look at what and who you are. That was my wake up call to step back and look. It was a moment to rethink and remake my life. What are the things you need to stop and consider? Is this your time to step back and look at your life? Look carefully before you fall and can't get back up.

Questions

Do you ever ask the difficult questions? Why am I here? Do I make a difference to anyone? Where do I fit in? Why do men have nipples?

There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to look at where they have been and where they are going. For some of us it happens early in life and we know beyond a doubt what we are to do and how we are to do it. Others of us have to wait for that midlife crisis to ask those same questions. It has been my misfortune to go through it once as a young man and again as a not so young man. 

When I was in my early 20s I had it all figured out. Knowing what to do was very empowering. Having all the answers was very comforting and added to my rapidly growing ego. It is amazing how much smarter I was back then.

Now that I am in my mid-40s I realize how much I don't know. I must have forgotten it somewhere along the line. It seems that I have more knowledge but know less. It is such a strange feeling knowing that I don't know. That direction I was sure my life would take has taken a detour and I have no clue where I am or where I am going.

It is said that with age comes wisdom. I have come to the conclusion that wisdom is just another way of saying you know enough to know what you don't know. You know what I'm saying cause I'm not sure I know.