Love in the First Degree

Back in my younger, more innocent days I heard a song that really stuck with me for years. It was by Alabama and it was called “Love in the First Degree.” There is one line that says, “Now babe I’m not beggin’ for mercy. Go ahead and throw the book at me. If lovin’ you’s a crime… I know that I’m… as guilty as a man can be. I’m guilty of love in the first degree.” There are days when I can’t even remember how that felt.

This Christmas a friend said that they hoped I would find the gift of love. Well, I know what it is like to love my family. The love I have for my sons goes beyond words. I would die for them in a heartbeat. Living for them is an even greater challenge. It has never impressed me when someone says they love someone enough to die for them. That is just a onetime deal. Living for someone is lifelong commitment. That is something that I will do for my boys as long as I breathe. Loving my parents and siblings is also something I know well. Liking them sometimes is a challenge but I do always love them. Living a thousand miles away from them makes it easier in some ways and harder in others.

I understand the love of friends. Through the trials and tribulations of the past triennium those true friends have proven themselves time after time, when I was not easy to love. Loving them back is so easy that it hardly seems like it takes any effort. Good and true friends are rare and need to be appreciated and loved with the same kind of unconditionally love that they have for you. In the movie Tequila Sunrise (a good movie but an even better drink) The drug dealer Carlos said that friendship is the only choice we have. You can’t choose your family and you can’t always control what sexual chemistry leads you to do.  If you have seen the movie you may remember that is not an exact quote; but I’m trying to keep this PG.

But the last kind of love is the love that two people feel for one another. I just don’t know if I can feel that anymore. That love in the first degree has left me since my heart was broken a while back. There is something missing in me. Those who have been there know what I mean. Those who have never been there… there are no words to describe it. But I’ll try. Imagine always being hungry but nothing looks or tastes good. Imagine being thirsty but nothing will quench the thirst. The desire to love is there but it feels like that particular kind of love will not come to the surface.

I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t worry Doug. It’ll come back.” Here is the sad, sick, twisted part: Part of me doesn’t want it to come back. If you don’t love someone with all that you are and all that you have, then that person cannot throw all that away. What it really comes down to is, at this point in my life, I don’t have the ability or the desire to love like that. It really is a shame. I used to love so much and so strongly that losing that part of me is almost like dying. Now I know that I will recover from my broken heart someday. The real question is will my head ever let my heart take the chance on love in the first degree. I wish I knew the answer.

Nice Guys

It has been said that nice guys finish last. It seems like every time I do the right thing it all gets turned around on me. Why do you think that is? Yes I am a little bitter today. Whether is it work or personal it seems that no good deed goes unpunished. Is it the way of the world or the working of the evil? Is there a difference?

For decades I have believed that the forms of evil are the devil, the world and my own sinful self. I still believe that all those come into the arena every day. But it seems like there are times when those forces are working stronger than others. Today is one of those days. What is the way of dealing with those issues? Prayer has helped in the past. Anger is always an option. Despair is not too much fun. I wonder what would happen with meditation. Or perhaps medication.

Some people choose to feel sorry for themselves. Others may get mad about the situation. There is depression to look forward to. Others find solace in alcohol and sexual satisfaction. I think I know my course of action. I choose a different course that I think you may want to try too.

There is a different form of self medication that I am considering. Let’s take all the problems in our lives and let them go. Now take that energy you would use to get mad or sad and turn it to something productive. Today I got some bad news at work that made me think nice guys finish last. The option of becoming like the others crossed my mind for quite a while. But I have decided that being a good person is what I want to be. I don’t want to become that which I hate. Fame and fortune may not be in the cards for me but I will actually be able to look myself in the mirror when I wake up from a sound, peaceful sleep.

Dream A Little Dream

I have written about unrealized dreams but this time I want to share with you one of my dreams for the future that will never happen the way I hoped. Have you ever had this fantasy about the way things we going to turn out? It is right there in your mind’s eye as clear as crystal. And then you realize it was about as clear as Disney glass you got by buying a Happy Meal at McDonalds and you are Goofy. That is how this dream feels to me right now.

Picture it if you will. There I am looking good for an old man. I have retired after a successful career of making people’s lives better. Even though I never got rich I made enough to have a comfortable retirement. The retirement home sits in the hill country around Austin, Texas overlooking Lake Travis. A xeriscaped yard makes the need to mow something that my grandkids will not be able to use to get some cash out of this old dude. They will have to get it the old fashioned way: emotional blackmail. A little trail leads down to a nice little dock where my pontoon boat sits waiting to be taken out. The house is small but comfy. It is nothing to get excited about. It is just big enough without being too much work. And the back deck is the place where the morning cup of coffee is enjoyed with the woman I have loved since I was young. Sadly that dream is gone.

Don’t get me wrong. The house on the lake with the view and the boat and the emotional blackmailing lawn are still part of my dream. For me the best part was going to be retiring there with the love of my life. That love has gone. It is sad for me to think about what might have been. I had that in my head for years and now I have to clean the glass. The crystal cracked. What am I saying? It shattered! That really hurts more than I thought. It wasn’t until very recently that I starting thinking about that. Loosing someone you once cared about has so many levels of loss that it is hard to find the words to describe it all. That is one of the reasons I write. It is to exorcise those demons like Richard Simmons on meth. (And yes that image scares me as much as it does you.)

But just because that dream has died it doesn’t mean a new one can’t take its place. My life is taking so many new directions that I can’t even imagine where it is going to take me. There is one thing I do know: it will be something new that I can’t even dream about yet.

This Old House

Have you ever been in a position that you know what you need to do but also are afraid of doing it? Now I could make some crude, sexual innuendo at this point and my friends know that I’m not above that. (Once again there is another opportunity.) But this time I believe I’ll just tell you what I’m really thinking. It is all about my home. My house is ready to go on the market and I am both hating and loving this.

The hating comes from a couple areas. First off this is the longest I have lived in one place since I left home in 1986. Living here for seven years may not seem like that much to you; but it is something special to me. I remember when the house was first purchased. We were unpacking the bounty of boxes that moving makes us maneuver. Walking down the stairs I had a vision for my hopes and I looked around and saw what could be. Furniture featured in this future. Decorations and décor in this domicile were displayed. The warmth of a fire and the warmth of a loving family featured in this fantasy. And now it is going away.

The second part of the sadness comes from the loss of family that I feel. The marriage that was such a part of this house malfunctioned. The sons who shined here are only here half time. The dream of the white picket fence has become a nightmare. (And I never wanted a white picket fence anyway. Chartreuse perhaps…) My house is haunted not my ghosts and goblins but by the ghost of relationships past. What was once a sanctuary has now become a sanatorium for a touch of insanity. There are things that touch me in ways that are not good for me. It is a shock when you realize that you don’t even like your bedroom anymore. It is time to make a break and this is a healthy one!

That brings up to the loving part. It is time to close the door on this house in my life. That is part of my past. Now it is time for my future. I may not ever have a 2100 square foot house again. In fact I don’t really want one that big. The boys are growing up and will soon be only coming back for visits. It has been a long time since I had an apartment but I think I remember how they work. You have neighbors who make nasty noise at odd hours. A garage for your car is a luxury. There is always that one person who creeps you out. Sounds like fun!

Well one thing is for sure. There is a time for everything and season for everything under the sun. The season for this house is the season of selling. Wish me luck! Anybody looking for a nice, seven-year-old, two story, one-owner house?

Unrealized Dreams

We all have hopes and dreams of what may be for each of us. Many people even take the time to write out their hopes and dreams in order to develop a well-reasoned, orderly plan to achieve these lofty goals and have the fame, fortune, and future they desire. Then there is the other 99.999999999% of us who like to dream for the sake of dreaming without any hopes of actually achieving these fantasies. So many of us have either consciously or unconsciously adopted the philosophy: “If at first you don’t succeed, lower your expectations until you do.” Why do we give up on our dreams of bigger and better things and settle for the status quo, average lives that seem so mundane and minuscule?

There is a theory presented by a fine mind (modesty forbids me from telling you it’s me) that our unrealized dreams are not merely unfulfilled disasters; but are really a means to give us hope. Think about it. Let’s say you are forty-two and have not accomplished everything I..I mean YOU planned. You had such dreams of things you wanted to accomplish during the first half of your life and now you can see the big FOUR-OH has come and gone. As you take a figurative look at the list of dreams that you have never written down and wonder why you haven’t accomplished hardly anything on that list, it occurs to you: Maybe I should have written them down. After you laugh at the nonsense of the written word and impossibility of its impact on your mental state, it then crosses your mind that life is not over yet.

They say that forty is the new twenty. Of course “they” are people in their forties so there may be just an insignificant possibility of a slight bias on their reasoning. Meanwhile, the twenty-somethings are sitting there thinking, “Yeah. Right. Keep deluding yourself there grandpa.” But I digress.

If forty is middle aged, then we can consider that the dreams we had as teens and tweens are not out of reach. If (and this is a very big IF) forty is the new twenty, then there is still hope for all those unrealized dreams. But, (and this is a big BUT that may have something to do with the forties – let’s not go there today) if our dreams are not just unrealized but unattainable, I don’t think I want to know. I’m happier living in an Egyptian river than knowing that my hopes of being the bass player for the coolest rock band on the planet may be beyond my reach as a 42-year-old father.

Sweet dreams.

The Color of Anger

Isn’t interesting when you change your point of view? When you are happy the world seems to look yellow and shinier. When you are sad the world seems blue and dull. With pain there are shades of green that blurs. But it is the shades of red with anger that intrigues me most. I have heard it said that when one reaches a certain level of rage the edges fade and the crimson glow fills the vision. Have you ever reached that level of madness?

There have been a few times when I have found myself in that state. Getting mad is not a challenge. The real difficulty is controlling that anger. Using that anger instead of letting it use you is an intriguing effort. Working out to channel that that anger is a classic method of coping. I’m told that various forms of art are great forms of anger exercise. There are many paintings that really show either anger, rage, pain or constipation. Or perhaps anger and rage over the pain of constipation.

There is a new method of dealing with anger I would like to try. Laughing it off! By laughing I’m not referring to the maniacal laugh of a mad man. That whole muhahaha thing of the supervillian does not work either. It is time for us to try a joyful laugh and see if it works out the anger.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Hmmmmm. Nope. Still mad. Oh well. It was worth a try.

Know Thyself

So often we are influenced by the opinions of others. Watching the news we can hear the same story from two different perspectives and come out thinking two different things about the same topic. We can see a billboard advertising for beer that will make you more popular than the biggest Hollywood celebrity within a few miles of another that is telling you there is help for alcoholism. While buying milk, bread, and a few other odds and ends we can read the headlines at the checkout that tell all kinds of juicy gossip and the latest info about the aliens’ meeting in the Whitehouse. What do we believe anymore?

Even closer to home we may hear all kinds of things from all kinds of people. Some people may want something from you and be buttering you up and inflating your ego so that your head will not fit through the door. Others may want to knock you down a notch or two because of jealousy or spite. Some people are well meaning. Others are just plain mean. Everyone looks at you through the lens of their presuppositions that will distort the reality of their picture of you. Some see what they want to see while others see only what you want them to see. It is not that different from what you see in the news or advertising. It is a matter of perspective.

The most important thing is to know yourself. The temple of Apollo at Delphi had that inscription on the forecourt for those seeking knowledge. It has been attributed to Heraclitus, Socrates, Pythagoras, and the Oracle. It has been found in ancient tomes, Greek mystics, Roman poets, medieval monks, and modern movies. It is intertwined in our culture and counter-culture. It is a common denominator from the Greatest Generation to the 9/11 Generation. This is a message that transcends generations to reach to the core of what and who we are.

How well do you know yourself? To paraphrase former President Bill Clinton, are you as good as your strongest supporters believe? Are you as bad as your harshest critics claim? The answer to both is probably “no”. It doesn’t matter how good or bad others think you are. Whether hero or villain, it is a matter of their perspective and presuppositions that they see. Rare are the individuals who can see past the perspective to the reality within. There are very few people who know you like you know yourself.

Check your reality. Can you look in the mirror before going to bed at night and be pleased with your actions that day? When you wake up, do you dread the consequences of the last night? Knowing that God forgives, can you also forgive yourself?

Do you know yourself?

Unbroken

While rambling around a certain website (it rhymes with BlueCube) that has all kinds of videos, I came across an old video of a song that I used to listen to after I got dumped by a girl who had the poor taste to want to go out with Todd instead of me, who then cheated on her and made her know exactly how I felt, but she was too ashamed to come crawling back to me begging me to take her back. Not that I remember it in vivid detail or anything. Anyway, the song was “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton. Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2Rch6WvPJE.

The lyrics are a bit needy, but still it is a passionate song. It made me think about heartache, heart break and heartburn. Not in that order since the Tabasco I put on my eggs this morning was being a little demanding of my attention. Through the years I have had my heart broken a few times and, sadly, have broken a few myself. In all those broken hearts, I can’t remember wanting the one who broke my heart to come back and unbreak it. Plato wrote: “Any man may easily do harm, but not every man can do good to another.” Perhaps I am just not as forgiving as I need to be. Perhaps I just don’t like giving someone a second chance to hurt me. Perhaps I’m just stupid to not try again. Maybe I’m a little bit of all three; but aren’t we all like that to various degrees. I can see Plato’s point. Trust in the goodness of people in matters of romance can be a dangerous game.

I wish I could tell you that I have learned not to put my heart out there and risk dancing in the fire of romance. But as Garth Brooks once said, “I can't abide standing outside the fire.” But I know the risks. I know that my heart will get broken. But I also know that the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Writing my thoughts and philosophies out has helped me see areas where I need to grow and change. If you have been reading these random thoughts you have a good insight into my mind, but this one is a little less positive than some of the others. This is one where I do not feel the need to change. Unbreak my heart is not something that I like to rely on others to do. Protecting my heart is one thing I have learned to do well. Another thing I have learned is to let the pain go when my heart is broken. I do not know how many of my broken hearts happened out of intention, accident or just indifference. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that I got over it without relying on someone else to fill that gap and will every time it happens.

I don’t really have any hard feelings about that girl and Todd. I still kind of enjoy the fact that she lost, too; but that is my own selfish, petty, vengeful side rearing its ugly head and laughing its butt off. That’s probably something to explore another day.

Joy

The concept of joy is rather elusive to so many. Have you ever met someone who seems to have that almost strange peace in the most extreme situations that makes you think they are either a complete fool or a total sociopath? For many years I envied them their ignorance or mental illness. Then one day I came across a woman who lost her husband. She was smiling in the midst of tears. As I was looking up the number for the padded ambulance service, she said something to me that I will never forget. “I still have my joy even in my sadness.”

That flew right in the face of logic. How can you be joyful and sad at the same time? Isn’t joy just another word for happy? You can be happy yet not joyful and sad while filled with joy. Who knew? Joy goes to a new level beyond simple happy, sad, depressed or mad. Joy is comes from knowing something that goes beyond yourself. For some it is hope for better times that gives them their joy. Others look to some kind of inner peace to transcend the troubling times. For me it is a matter of faith in God. Knowing that there is someone much more powerful and wiser than I am in control of… well… everything, gives me that joyful peace that helps me get through the day.

Whatever the source – and mine is the best by the way – joy is something that we need in these challenging times. Find your joy! That is something that has kept me together through the worst of times and has helped me to soar to greater heights during the best of times.

Are you having fun?

Who you are is best shown by who you chose as friends. Meeting new people is like enjoying a great meal. It is the familiar taste of the food that draws us in but it is the surprises that keep us coming back for more. In the same way, discovering what we have in common and then uncovering our differences is what adds familiarity and spice to the relationship. When we have enough things in common to have something to talk about and enough differences to learn something new it makes the chance to meet something special. Great chemistry and great conversation lead to great relationships.

Laughing with one another at the strangest things makes a simple day into a memory that you will always have. When humor is shared and the smile crosses the face it lights up a room like nothing else. Telling the joke that makes someone else roll their eyes and moan in pain is just as much fun as telling the joke that makes them laugh until their sides hurt. Both are more fun than should be legal!

The simplest and most basic philosophy for my life goes: If you’re not having fun you’re doing it wrong. It applies to fun and frivolity, life and love, romance and raucousness. I just have one simple question for you: Are you having fun?

Choices

Life is a series of choices. Those choices range from the monumental to the mundane. Whether the decision is what to wear this morning or where to eat at night, we all tend to agonize over the options set before us.  We wonder about what the future holds and how current choices will influence it. At the same time we wonder why we made certain choices in the past and how they have influenced our present. We ponder the mysteries of the opposite sex with a myriad of seemingly incomprehensible choices while rejoicing in the differences that allow those choices to manifest themselves. Greater minds than ours contemplate the mysteries of the universe and fates of countless people. Fortunes are made and lost in blink of an eye due to a right or wrong choice made at the right or wrong time. In vast scheme of things, our choices are not that significant to history, the world, or even that many of the billions of people who live on our planet.

That being said, there still some are choices that affect others. We should always be concerned with the affects of our choices. We can be sensitive to the wants and needs of others or show senseless insensitivity. Our choices may not affect the world in which others live but they can affect the world of one other person. We must never underestimate the impact we can have on the few people who hold us in high esteem. Our choices can make or break someone's minute, hour, day, or even life.

There is one person who is impacted more than others by the choices we make. That person is you. You must live with the decisions that you make. Granted, others are involved; however, you are the one who must live with it. Your nature will form an integral part in your choices. Your view of your glass as half full or half empty of either lemons or lemonade will impact how you chose a course of action. Optimism or pessimism will decide how your handle your difficult situations.

As I was sitting on the front step this morning sipping a cup of coffee, I chose the kind of day I was going to have. My evening did not go as planned last night. The air conditioner was not working again! I did not sleep well or anywhere near long enough. I was awakened by an alarm clock in the form of a vacuum cleaner entering my room at what I felt was an inappropriate and insensitive time. If I believed in astrology, I'd have said the stars were aligned against me. If I believed in fate, I'd say that fate was out to get me. I believe in God. I believe that he never gives us more than we can bear without a way out of the dilemma. I CHOOSE TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. I decided that my energy would be better spent on the half full glass of lemonade that the day had given me to work with. I have chosen to make the best of my situation until God's wisdom puts me in a better place.

I have just one question for you...What kind of day, week, and life do you choose to have?