The Cost of Caring

One of my favorite scenes from any movie ever is from The Fugitive. Harrison Ford is standing on the edge of a long drop with a gun toting Tommy Lee Jones behind him. Harrison’s character, Dr. Richard Kimball, said, “I didn’t kill my wife!” The reply from Jones’ U. S. Marshall character was, “I don’t care.” In the end of the movie it turns out that he did. Sorry to ruin it if you haven’t seen it. The few times in my life I’ve tried on the phrase, “I don’t care” it has never seemed to feel right coming out of my mouth.

On the show House the characters of House and Wilson once sniped at each other: Wilson whined: "Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant" to which House harassed: "Please, don't put me on a pedestal." But even House showed occasional lapses of judgment and showed his kind, caring, compassionate side which was usually followed by a innuendo at Cutty’s expense. Caring is something that so many people don’t know how to do or at least do well. There are a lot of people out there like these fictional characters.

But caring can cost you. There are risks. The chance that is taken leaves you open to all kinds of vulnerability. If you care you run the risk of having that caring rejected, refused or get run over by someone who doesn’t care. That running over can take the form of the other using and abusing that caring for their own needs and then tossing you out like last week’s sushi. That can be very painful and frustrating when you give yourself to someone else and offer a caring supporting gesture which they take and take and never appreciate and then they ignore you when you need help and even ignore and ostracize you for not being strong. Not that I have even experienced that.

That being said, there is something that makes all the caring and hurts that come with it all worthwhile. When we care we are able to help someone who is hurting do to an unforeseen situation, an accident or the actions of an uncaring other. We get to be the one who helps being healing to the hurting and loving to the unloved. We are the ones who are the people who pay it forward not out of the expectation of return on investment but in an investment in the future. Consider to ripple effect we can have as we care for those in need and they in turn care for a couple more who care for a couple more who care for a couple more and it continues on and on and on. You see how it works? Now not every time will be a winner but the ones that are will keep us caring as we continue on.

As high as the costs caring may be there is a flip side to not caring. The cost of not caring is even greater since one becomes cold and distant. The whole concept of standing outside the fire and not even living a life is so alien to my way of thinking that I have chosen to risk it. I don’t want to be a robotic recluse who cares only about himself. So what if I get hurt once in a while or daily? Who cares if caring makes me easy prey to the uncaring? The cost of caring is nothing compared to the rewards and the cost of uncaring is great compared to what is lost.

What Do You Want?

That is a good question, isn’t it? What do you want? If you could have anything at all what would it be? I know the wish I’d wish if it was offered. The wish fulfilled granting me the grace of gratuities from my poured out pants pockets would be perfect. The thought of always having enough to pay the piper makes me smile. But wanting money is rather shallow. The Bible does not say money is the root of all evil no matter how many people have misquoted it. It does say the LOVE of money is A root of ALL KINDS of evil. But who needs to be so picky about a few little words that change the whole meaning of the phrase? Do you really want to be rich? Honestly I wouldn’t mind it and right now I think I’d gladly trade the worries of wealth over the problems of poverty. But I don’t think that is what I want.

If you are anything like me you will find gastronomy to be a great gratifier of getting. The foods we eat and the beverages we drink can be a great source of pleasure, pain or both! It is so easy to let your stomach become a Shiva that both creates and destroys auspicious abdomens. There is more to life than the next meal. That being said I really would like a nice expensive rib eye on the grill now that the weather is getting nice. That would be good with some snow peas and a twice baked potato with bacon and sour cream with a nice chocolate mousse with real chipped cream for dessert. But I digress. There is more to life than that… I think.

How about the love of another? Falling in love involves the enhanced secretion of b-Phenylethylamine. This natural drug creates an euphoric high and helps obscure the failings and shortcomings of the potential mate. Such oblivion - perceiving only the  good sides while discarding the bad ones - is a pathology akin to the primitive psychological defense mechanism known as "splitting". But then again it feels SOOOOO good! Who cares about all the techno babble? It is that feeling of love that so many of us want more than other things. As much as I love b-Phenylethylamine that is not what I want the most.

Perhaps it is the luxurious licentiousness of a Lamborghini that is your heart’s desire. The ride along the road as your Rambler rides like a rocket on rails is something to relish. Perhaps you are more of an Aston Martin kind of man, Mr. Bond. Cars are a creative confluence of testosterone and even estrogen in a few women I’ve met. But I’ll stick with my Nissan Frontier for now since I don’t feel the need to display my masculinity in motorized mayhem and will continue to feel that way until I can afford to buy a Tesla.

The real thing that everyone wants but few people realize is peace. The Hebrew word for hello and goodbye is shalom. It roughly translates as “peace be with you.” I want shalom! And I want it right now!! But something tells me it doesn’t work that way. That peace that goes beyond understanding is what we all want. It is worth more than money. There is greater value in peace than love or sex. It gives a greater rush than a Dodge Viper. (Not sure if it is better than a Tesla but it just might be.) But peace is something that seems to be fluid – not static. Peace can be with you one day and the next be as hard to hold onto as phantom flagman, a London fog or a pizza on the free day on The Biggest Loser.

The real secret to peace is not in the grasping and groping for it greedily. If we let go of the greed and gluttony for the greatest gratifications and accept the situations that have sat upon us then we will find that peace finds us. Like the butterfly that lands on the lover who lies in the lilies peace will be placed on the penitent with a penchant for passivity.  For me it is time to let go of the greed and let the peace grab me. Want to join me?

Ever Have One of those Days?

Ever Have One of those Days?

There used to be a prized t-shirt in my cacophonous collection of clothing that simply stated: Some people are having one of those days but I’m having one of those lives! At the time I didn’t see that funny philosophy as prophetic but now I am giving it some serious thought. 

Back in my youth I remember a series of jokes in the “You know it’s gonna be a bad day…” series. Some eloquent examples include: You know it’s gonna be a bad day when you want to wear the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any. You know it’s gonna be a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You know it’s gonna be a bad day when you went to bed at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2. You know it’s gonna be a bad day when that funny tasting toothpaste was Preparation-H. You know it’s gonna be a bad day when there are 43 messages on your answering machine and the first one starts with, “Dude, I didn’t know that one person could do that!”

Those kinds of things definitely lead you to one of those days. Then there are those phone calls from the ex saying, “We need to talk…” or the nurse calling you saying, “The doctor would like you back in the office right now.” But sometimes it is the little things that make the biggest impact on the day. Waking up with a pain in the neck can make you be a pain in the … ahhhh… neck … yeah neck… to others. The terrible tumultuous traffic can turn you into the terrible teammate. The fight or flight from the femme fatale in your faction may lead you to fight to make others take flight.

Just remember, we chose the kind of day and life we have. Some of the most positive people I know have been through the least positive positions in the lives. And some of the most pessimistic people have nothing to be perturbed about. Are you gonna let it be a bad day or are you gonna laugh at the bad day around you?

A Look Inside

When was the last time you took a good long look at yourself? We all have those defining moments in our lives when we feel the need to reflect and reconsider. My life has had several of those defining moments. Most of them seem to have been in the past couple of years. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not so shallow as to say I never looked back until recently. When I graduated from high school it was a time to consider the highs and lows of those four years. As I received a bachelor’s degree I looked at my single life to that point. Shortly after that I got married and looked forward to a lifelong future. When I got a master’s degree I realized how much I had not yet mastered. But lately things have been a little more chaotic and more and more I have looked inward at things that have happened.

The past two years have seen the unwanted disintegration of that marriage that I had looked forward to being a lifelong love affair. The career I had chosen and worked so hard to earn the master’s degree to follow also went the way of the dodo. Financial crises and struggles with depression have also made me wonder who I really am. But this latest occurrence would make anyone look around and wonder: “Who am I?” My dad is dying of emphysema.

My dad, John Romig, is a man I love. He wanted so many things for me that he never had. We have had major differences and disagreements over the years and have had even greater joys and jocularities since then. I gave him grief over smoking for years and nearly blew his nose off when I put three cigarette loads in one of his Salem’s. He gave me grief over putting explosives in his smokes. When I say “grief” I mean a grounding for a month. When I told him that I was not going to be a doctor and not going to go in the army to pay for it he thought I was making biggest mistake of my life. We didn’t speak for months after that. With some work on both our parts we overcame that major meltdown and rebuilt a new relationship. What we have now I would not trade for anything. Our adult relationship is still a father-son relationship but it has also matured into a kind of friendship like no other. It is the relationship I wanted with him as a child and young adult but neither of us could find it. It is the kind of relationship I am trying to build with my sons. It took a tearing down of the old to build something new with my dad and me.

As I look inward, that is a great way to describe what my life is becoming. The old has been and is still being torn down to build something new. Change is part of life. I think mine has been stagnant for quite some time. It has taken nearly all the structures of my life to be torn down to the foundations for something new to be built. And I have even done some excavating on those foundations, too! It is my hope that the upcoming passing of my father will be the last of the major tearing down for now. But as I look at myself it is a major revelation that the tearing down and building up is an unending process. Every day in sometimes tiny and sometimes large ways something is torn down in our lives and every day something new is built. I never really looked at it that way. Change seems to be the only thing that doesn’t change. Every day we see something new rising like a Phoenix from the ashes of something old. To me this is something new to ponder. I hope that I’m not the only one who didn’t look at the world like this.

An Attitude Adjustment

There are those days when we just need to get an attitude adjustment. I remember one time I was in the mall for some unknown reason that may have part of a governmental brain washing technique. As I was walking I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between these two kids who were walking along. I mean I really had to walk fast to keep up with them so I could accidentally overhear them. One turned to the other and said, “Dude! Tude!”

The rhyming was impressive. The meaning behind this poetry was truly challenging to discern. After a great deal of careful analysis and many nanoseconds of contemplation I came upon the meaning behind these words. The translation is: “My friend. Our comradry and  fun-filled times have been compromised by a certain way of behavior that will continue to drive a wedge between us until it leads to an end of our companionship unless serious changes are made in your attitude.” I think “Dude! Tude!” says it a lot better.

I think that someone needed to walk up to me and say: “Dude! Tude!” My attitude for the past year and a half has – and I use this word in its kindest meaning – sucked. There have been days when I have hated God, the world, my ex, Howard Stern and butterscotch pudding. I know what you’re thinking: How can he mention Stern and pudding in the same sentence? It takes talent and a twisted mind.

But there is something to be said for letting it go. Now I can stop being mad at God, the world and butterscotch pudding. The ex and Howard Stern may take some more time if it ever happens. But it was time to stop being such a major jerk and let go of my anger. That was one of my New Year’s resolutions. Stop being so angry all the time. The only person it was really hurting was me. When I woke up yesterday it seemed like something had changed. I know that there is still a lot of work to do on my damaged psyche; however, I do feel good about myself for a change.

My attitude is better for now. I hope it lasts.